Eve-less in Eden
It was the poet Tennyson who wrote: “In the spring… a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” Spring, I believe, is good timing for a young man to start thinking about love. Mainly because any time after Valentine’s Day, he saves a lot of money.
Let’s take a look at the very first man whose thoughts began to turn…
SCENE: The Garden of Eden. Noon.
“God?” said Adam.
“What’s up?” replied God.
“Just wondering if I could get some answers … What am I?”
“You’re a man.”
“Oh. And why did you call me Adam?”
“Adam means ‘man’,” God said. “Anything else?”
“How did you make me?”
“Funny-looking.” (From heaven there is the sound of a rimshot on a drum)
“No, I mean—”
“I formed you from the dust of the ground, and breathed into your nostrils the breath of life.”
“Really? I’m made from dust? Then can I be called Dusty? It sounds cool. I think I look more like a Dusty.”
“You look like an Adam. That’s your name. Deal with it.”
“Am I the only one?” asked Adam. “The only man?”
“So far. Why do you ask? Are you getting lonely?”
“Not yet. This is a pretty good deal. My own garden. No one to have to share it with. No one telling me what to do. No one asking where I’ve been all night. Yep. Good deal.”
“All right then. I was—”
“Okay, I think I’m lonely now.”
“Very well,” said God. “Then it isn’t good that you be alone. Let’s make you companions. I’m going to create a bunch of things called animals and birds. I want you to give them all names, spend some time with them. Let me know how it goes.”
A few months later…
“God? It’s me, Dusty.”
“What do you want?”
“I’ve been hanging out with the animals and birds. And I named them all, which took, like, forever.”
“And?”
“Well, at first I really clicked with the elephants but then we got into a fight and when I finally said, ‘Look, can’t we just forgive and forget?’ they said they couldn’t forget, so of course I ditched those jerks. Then I started meeting for breakfast with one of the tigers, but no matter what we ate, he always had to puff out his chest after the first mouthful and say, ‘It’s GRRRREAT!!!’ So that got annoying within a week. I ditched him too.”
“What about the birds?” asked God.
“I didn’t get close to them. I was afraid I might catch a canareal disease. Maybe chirpies.”
“That’s a good line. Did you come up with that yourself?”
“No, I got it from a flamingo. He does one-legged stand-up every Friday at the —”
“Well, it seems to me that a whole new creature is in order,” said God. “Something very much like you, but also very different. Here’s what I want you to do: go to sleep.”
“But I’m not tired.”
“Go to sleep.”
“But I’m not—” (Out of a clear blue sky a single hailstone the size of a tennis ball hits Adam on the head, knocking him to the ground, unconscious)
“Hail from the Chief,” said God.
Next morning…
“Ow, my head,” mumbled Adam. “What happened?”
“A chunk of ice from the sky,” said God. “The weather, it’s so unpredictable.”
“My rib cage is sore too.”
“You’ll survive. Hey, I have a present for you.”
“I hope it’s an elephant gun.”
“Stay right there,” said God. “I want to introduce you to someone.”
There’s a rustling of bushes and a beautiful woman walks into the clearing.
“Hey!” said Adam. “You look like me! Except you’ve got, uh— and you’re missing, um—”
“This is a woman, Adam,” God explained. “I made her out of a rib from your side.”
“Wow! What should I say to her?”
“Try a compliment. A woman will like to hear that she’s attractive.”
“Um … Woman … I like how your armpit hair doesn’t have bugs in it. You should see the gorillas! Yeesh!”
“We’ll work on the smooth talk,” said God. “Tell her your name.”
“I’m Dus—”
“Don’t make me smite you.”
“I’m Adam. What are you called?”
“Oh, that’s right,” God said. “She doesn’t have a name yet. Would you like to name her?”
“I’m thinking Rib-ecca. Or Rib-erta.”
“Hmm. How about Eve? It means ‘living’. Out of her will come new life. New men and women.”
“Out of her? How’s that going to happen?”
“Do I have to explain everything to you?”
“Fine, I’ll figure it out. But cut me some slack— I’ve never met a woman before.”
Eve now spoke for the first time. “Adam, would you like to go for a walk?”
“Sure!” said Adam. “I might as well give you the tour.”
“I’ll leave you two alone for awhile,” said God. “Be good.”
Adam took the woman’s hand in his. “Eve, it was worth it to lose a rib. I was getting lonely.”
“You didn’t enjoy being single?”
“Oh, it was all right for a bit. God’s good company, but He’s, y’know … God. I can’t see Him or touch Him. It’s nice to have someone with skin on.”
“Are you and God going to stay close?”
“Absolutely! I’ll always be obedient to Him!”
“You’re a sweet guy, Adam.”
“Call me Dusty.”