Quarantain Us!

We didn’t see it coming. This catastrophe of global proportions. Millions of people around the world struggling to adapt to a new reality … which is that we’ve all now watched every single minute of Netflix programming.

Admit it. Months of sheltering in place with few entertainment options resigned you to having viewed, by this point, absolutely all Netflix-streamed movies and TV shows available. Remember that deep depression when at long last you succumbed to documentaries? And remember when, after gritting your teeth through the last one remaining— Deep Cover: The Story of Moss and Lichen— you faced with an almost overwhelming horror that which you had put off until the bitter end? The Adam Sandler comedies.

And after those, nothing was left.

Certainly not self-respect.

But there are two beautiful words that offer us hope. Two words that conjure a dazzling vision of a glorious future! Two words as full of promise and possibility as “disinfectant injection”. And those two words are …

“Coming Soon”.

Yes, subscribers! Netflix will soon be releasing a fresh wave of entertainment to see us through the pandemic!

And best of all, these new features meet us where we’re at, holding up a mirror to our current situation! Get ready for …

THE GREATEST CHARMIN
Hugh Jackman stars as T.P. Barnum, a visionary who rose from nothing to become a janitor with Ringling Brothers Circus. When the Influenza Pandemic of 1918 creates a toilet paper shortage, Barnum becomes a hero to the performers because of his foresight to massively overstock on bathroom tissue for the circus. But as the world’s supply dwindles and the circus is accused of unfair hoarding, Barnum and his showbiz pals must learn the lesson that the greatest Charmin … is the Charmin you give away.

BLACK PANTLESS
Marvel’s latest superhero adventure finds T’Challa, the Black Panther, confined to his Wakanda palace during the coronavirus pandemic. Interaction with his fellow Avengers being limited to Zoom video meetings, he eventually skips wearing the bottom half of his costume since his laptop camera only shows him from the waist up. Or does it? How will Black Panther handle the dangerous threat to his reputation after Captain Marvel asks him, “Wow, is that Hello Kitty underwear?”

1916
Not a prequel to last year’s World War I blockbuster, 1917. Although equally thrilling, this film follows mother-of-three Zoey, who lives at 1916 Main Street. When an Amazon package arrives at her door that is meant for her neighbor at 1914 Main Street, she unwittingly opens it to discover hard-to-find disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer. Realizing the mistake of address, Zoey sets off on an unwavering mission to get the precious products to their final destination: her own kitchen cupboard.

COVID AND GOLIATH
If you love Biblical epics, this is for you! In an age of warring kingdoms, the gigantic and nasty Goliath challenges his sworn enemies, the Israelites, to an epic one-on-one battle: their greatest warrior versus him. Against all odds, a shepherd boy steps forward to confront the giant. Armed only with the coronavirus, will the young hero be able to aim his cough accurately enough to hit Goliath right in the face?

THE LINE KING
One for the kids! When a contagious virus upsets the Circle of Life on the African savanna, King Mufasa the lion must prevent overcrowding at the watering hole. He orders all thirsty animals to line up and maintain a six-foot distance from each other as they take their turns. The single-file arrangement erupts in chaos, however, when it becomes obvious that no one has a freaking clue how to do life unless it’s in a circle.

Well, there you have it, Netflix viewers! New releases on the way! Stay strong until then. Me? I’ll be fine— thanks for masking.