But We'll Call It The Sistine Channel

PRESS RELEASE (Vatican City): Pope Francis has announced the formation of a new Catholic cable TV channel, Papal-View Television. “This enterprise is a bold and dynamic effort not only to promote Christian values in an overwhelmingly secular media marketplace,” said a Vatican spokesman, “but also to capture the imagination of young people who may consider applying to a seminary, a monastery or a convent as a result of viewing our completely Catholic-oriented entertainment programming.”

Set to premiere this month, the inaugural Fall Season schedule has been released:

Drama Series:

CSI: Chalice Sanitation Investigators

It’s germ warfare! Father O’Grady and his elite unit of holy hygienists crack down on sacramental slackers who don’t properly wash the communion cups after Mass. You’ll be dazzled by the CSI team’s hi-tech tools (okay, mainly hot water and soap). 

Grey’s Theology

Follow the interwoven lives of attractive, snappy-bantering medical students at a Catholic hospital (Our Lady of the Perpetual Flatline). The series revolves around resident Maria Grey, who can’t decide between pursuing cardiology or the convent. Her temporary compromise-- to perform surgeries while keeping her eyes lifted to heaven in prayer-- is killing her patients but melting the heart of the dreamy hospital chaplain!

Reality Shows:

Survivor: Vow of Silence

An order of Benedictine monks competes to see who can maintain a vow of silence the longest. Each episode brings contestants new challenges such as getting their toes hit with a hammer; having an angry ferret placed in their underwear; and riding a rollercoaster while holding a pot of boiling water. The ultimate winner will receive permission to let out a really good scream a year after victory.

Heaven’s Kitchen

Catholic chefs from around the world contend to be named Chief Cook at the Vatican. Culinary competitions include feeding a party of five thousand with five dinner rolls and a couple of anchovies, and making deviled eggs so delicious even an exorcist will eat them.

Sitcoms:

How I Met Your Mother Superior

Enjoy the wacky antics of a group of young nuns running a house of charity in the big city. Things get complicated when the gals realize they’re all in love with the same Man!

Everybody Loves Raiment

Ray Romano stars as Alfredo, a tailor at the Vatican who quips with cardinals and bishops as he prepares their priestly attire. In Episode One, Alfredo creates a simple new look for the Pope. His Holiness is insulted and thinks the outfit makes him look like some kind of lowly, first-century carpenter. Will Alfredo be fired?

Children’s Shows:

Dora the Excommunicator

Hey, kids! Join Dora and her pals as they rid the Church of unrepentant sinners, blasphemers and false teachers. You’ll learn fun songs like Here Comes the Shun and If You’re Banished and You Know It, Wring Your Hands!

Bob the Cathedral Builder

Have a great time with Bob as he negotiates the fun-filled world of zoning laws! Then help him gather eco-friendly building materials such as bricks made from the ashes of many, many Dan Brown novels, and ceramic tile recycled from smashed figurines of Martin Luther! Then root for Bob as he works hard to build the cathedral at least one story higher than the mosque across the street!

The Vatican stated that more programming is in the pipeline. Papal-View Television will debut on cable channel 666, although the Pope is negotiating with regulators to acquire a different number.